Wrestling with the darkness
Wednesday, March 31st, 2010So I thought I’d write from inside a dark mood. I’ve been given to many such moods as of late. They come and go, as the moon replaces the sun.. oscillating consciousness.. In the darkest of moods, one forgets of the possibilities of light.. as if darkness will rain eternal. The only method I have found for coping with this kinda darkness is to put your warrior hat on.. take a Christ like attitude as far as not being attached to.. well anything of earthly origins should we say?.. that kinda live dangerously and don’t cling too hard to life.. kinda thing.. that’ll take you through the eye of the most vicious of storms.. Christ was always good with that kinda thing.. a real roll model he is for that sorta thing.. and then the final thing, of course, is to put on a blind fold and ignore what your eyes see.. what your idea of reality is… and all the nightmares dancing before the minds eye.
This is not to deny any bleak reality’s reality.. no, far from that.. that’s what those drug taking sissies do.. fearer’s of black dogs!
Err, don’t ask me about my language here.. lets face it.. I’m in an odd mood.. I don’t fully embrace or believe what I’m saying here.. this is unreliable narration time.. where I take on the character of some.. odd spirit in my imagination.. and play with things from that perspective.. making a post such as this.. a bit on the opaque side.. if transparency would mean insights into my true state of.. well whatever. Nope.. all you’ll get here are clues.. clues with which it would take a mind far more disciplined then yours to truly read!
Err, there’s I go again, teasing you.. daring you..
But any who, that’s not what I wanted to go on about.. no, I wanted to go on about this darkness.. without all the silly embellishments and.. whatever… but I do bring up several good points in my silly dance.
Reality, as cognitized.. is an unreliable narrator
That’s why you want to put on that blind fold. See to some extent, no matter what, life is always a sorta roll of the dice.. the future is just that way. Now.. any good gambler will tell you about the statistical order that governs the law of out come of.. dice throws.. which is to say there is no chance, or chaos.. without order lurking around there somewhere.. but.. if you have chaos on the micro, you may not find order till you get to that macro.. it’s that kinda a deal.. and sometimes we just don’t know what is the chaos and what is the order..
So the point is.. whatever.. we don’t know.. and that’s pretty freaking important. When I have friends.. and they sorta reach there breaking point… when it would seem all hope is lost.. the council I usually provide is.. “well hold on a second, you really don’t know what is going to happen yet you know? So don’t freak out till it’s time to freak out.”
This would be wonderful advice for me in my current situation.. unfortunately there seems to be other voices in some of the people around me.. nearly preaching the virtues of the freak out. These people have good attentions.. and thus they are great way pavers.. of that road to hell. They have this kind of.. character.. where in they’d like to make them selves intermediaries between your self and.. reality, or whatever the hell it is.. telling you they kinda know better.. so to speak.. which.. unfortunately.. can be powerfully persuasive when you’re at your weakest moments.
It’s an interesting question to ponder, isn’t it… “what’s the worst that could happen?” I mean if you were to really think it out till the ends of eternity.. I mean how much of what differentiates a hellish life from the great life is a matter of the values we bring to it, and there for not intrinsic to it? How far down can you dive without hitting a horrible wall known in alcoholic circles as “reaching your bottom?”
I ponder these kinds of questions because of what I do value.. I mean.. I believe in values.. true values.. having the kind of commitments which you’ll take to the grave if need be.. you’ll accept a crucified fait if need be.. I’m not saying I desire that kinda thing.. just that I approve of that kinda commitment.. which is why when given a choice between selling my soul and having an easier go of it.. or getting fucking crucified.. I have a horrible habit of the fucking crucification…
Perhaps Jesus was a bad influence on me?
Oh I’m just having fun!!! What could be grander then thinking of Jesus as a bad influence on your life?!! I think this notion is particularly powerful when you consider that most people do indeed think of that kind of commitment as.. well a horribly bad idea.
Well take these terrorist whom kill them selves in the process.. do we take a moment, ever, to respect there commitment? I’m not saying we have to agree with there politics.. or not think of them as.. at bottom evil and retched.. although I’m not saying they’re evil or retched.. cause you know.. I don’t know that I really know them well enough to make that kinda judgement call.. I’m just saying that we carry certain prejudices around with us.. that play a roll in all our judgements.. and I’m just trying to call you’re attention to that…
Another words.. the fun I’m having in all my crazy talk is in part one of pushing readers buttons.. or.. the buttons of the collective baggage of our times.. I’m saying that’s the crazy stuff.. not necessarily where I’m coming from.. and so it is that if my crazy talk seems too crazy, it might just be your projection.. as an effect of said baggage.
I don’t really know what to make of all this, to be perfectly honest with you. Is it simply a matter of me needing to be willing to face the darkest of possibilities without the flinch? Being able to do that, it strikes me, is an amazingly powerful thing… and that could be the silver lining of my situation.. a bit like God saying “don’t cry or I’ll give you something to cry about,” this being God’s way of dealing with the neurotic in us.
And as I write this I think “Jesus, I don’t write crap in how long, and then I start coming out with this kinda thing?” To my imagination this is some ballsy pros.. A bad ass rap if you will.. But the Buddhist idea that the demon is simply an angel of revelation before you’re ready.. does seems to me a powerful idea to my current state.
The demon’s goal, as near as I can tell, is to wake me up. And I can tell you that I am waking up.. and if what I’m waking up to is an ability not to flinch in such lower depths of despair.. that is an amazing freedom to bring back to the light with you.
Most of us, in our lives, on one level or another.. live in prisons.. and its our own fear and desire that has constructed our prisons.. and it is that wrestling with the darkness that can be a path to transcendence… which sorta reminds me of a recent news letter from Chris Brogan.
Meditations on the message of Chris
I’ve never had the pleasure of a real deep conversation with Chris.. I’ve tried to dance around and debate with him from time to time.. but I suppose he’s not really into that sorta thing. Still.. there are certain organization principles to his content that resonate for me.
Anyway…. in a recent post he talked about this metaphor of the Matrix movies.. on not fitting in.. and all that kinda thing… about this cage issue I was bringing up.. err.. how about a little video to illustrate my point of view?
So yeah.. I of course think Joseph Campbell is the master of this subject. At the very least Campbell is one of my principle mentors relative to life and this subject. If I take this video as a clue to my own life.. it’s down right creepy.. indeed if you juxtapose this post with the contents of this video, its creepy..
Earlier in this post I made a snide little bit of a comment about the sissies who need there meds.. My point being that what I am going through could be very easily classified as a mental disorder.. but… the meds roll is to intermediate.. to lesson the impact.. control it.. when it is the natural evolution of the disorder to have a break through.. that is the medication is a part of the cage. But psychiatry’s goal is usually not the break through but the.. making the symptoms livable..
What I’m wrestling with is more the ordeal.. and possible futures.. and while I wrestle I sharpen my axe… which is roughly the prep work for deeper wrestling or.. well.. this will start to get complex soon.. so how about a little post?












