I am sick.. have been sick for a bit now.. 7, 8 days? Sick in bed?

There’s a strange surreal dream world.. that happens as waking life withers.. away to very little… See the unconscious, who speaks in dreams… is to balance the attitudes of consciousness… and when there is so little consciousness.. what is it to balance? Unless being sick its self is an effort to balance.

Everything feels just a little bit bent.. that odd taste in your mouth..

Outside life slips away.. you say “well I’m sick, what can I do about it?” But these words feel like neurosis…  In your heart you feel like you need to fight.. to fight your way into the light.

And what are the inputs.. laying hear in this bed in the basement.. surrounded by a mess.. this laptop playing movies.. we’ve gone through Lord Of The Rings, Basic Instinct, Bourn Identities… many commentaries..  online documentaries of Carl Jung.. a few pages of his seminars on Thus Spoke Zarathustra.. swings at working on the DMI class homework.. that should have been emailed days ago. There’s a couple recent, and one current, sound on sound magazines just to the side..

In sickened states I have made my way to grocery stores to try and stock up on OJ, NyQuil, fruit… something or another to eat.. and still.. even now, fast food takes up too much of my diet..

Where my life is now.. it’s not a good place.. and the sickness keeps me from being able to do much to improve it.

As I write these words I feel tired… should I just layback down, roll back over, and reenter the dreams?

I’ve had some odd dreams lately.. I can’t remember most of the sick ones.. but before the sickness got me.. I met my son.. whom I had had with some women I had never physically met but only talked to online.. and how happy I was to meet him.. and to take up the fatherly roll.. in the dream he was my son, no question about it… but you and I, us waking life people.. we know that for children to be made, it helps to have a conception..

I am sick.. throat muscles ack if neck must be moved.. trying to sleep but am not. It’s the middle of summer and I have a cold shiver…I had this dream.. I must have been hanging out with Moby or something like that.. and he was all like “sure, I like you’re music.” There’s something in my memories’ subtextual frequencies suggesting that Moby was really coming on like he was going to help out.. and as I’m leaving I hear some other guy ask him if he “even has it up?”

The dreams language and dialog leaves you wondering what the hell was being said.. but by having it up.. this would be like if you were mixing something and had it up to be mixed.. like had your DAW on and ready to go / look at.. and the way he said no to this suggested that all his “sure I’ll help you” and whatever.. was just a pose.

Last night or.. well the last time I was sorta waking up.. which was last long nap..  I had this weird dream where I was walking around.. seemed almost like a combination of some strange place in a Disney World hotel.. my high school..  and a cruise ship. I was with my father.. and to test his mental states.. I was like “when did we loose Mom?,” and he was like “yesterday.”

I ran around the place looking for something and eventually found this.. it was almost like Vinyl.. or it was that size and shape.. and it was Sound On Sound.. but like acid-ized.. like some really horrible Reason Combinator re-skin… Err, I know this is super inside baseball but.. Imagine you’re average teenager’s design skills.. as on display on myspace.. Well it was a little better then that…

Further, it should be added that “Sound On Sound” is a music production trade magazine. It tends to be my favorite.. and still.. picking up a new copy can be like the highlight of the month..  which says something about my months.. In any event.. This odd Vinyl like Sound on Sound thing.. What the hell was it? I wasn’t sure.. but you know.. its a bit like being in a souvenir shop..  Where you see strange shit like that.. so I was like “I want one,” and whoever I was with was like “I wouldn’t buy that for that,” but I couldn’t find the price.. and that was about where the dream ended.

Now about this dream it should be added that my parents used to take me to Disney World.. for a few year stretch, almost like every year.. as well as on a cruise… or I was probably on a total of 3 cruises. My mom was super into cruises… and this probably was around high school.. and one year of college..Towards the end of this I started getting pissed.. because I desperately needed a computer.. I didn’t need to go on another one of these adventures… I was starting to get a little bored of it all.. and Jesus.. I could have had a computer!

This leads me into some thoughts I’ve been having.. rolling around in bed.. Wishing I had known my mother a little better. Who the fuck was she really? I try to understand, I try not to blame.. but.. it seems like sooo much damage was inflicted.. and I was treated like it was my fault for complaining about it.. like it was only cause she loved me, right?

Looking back, from time to time.. I can see where I was a pain in the ass.. There are issues I have today which might be just because I was such a pain in the ass then… On the other hand.. given the damage I was sustaining.. maybe that’s forgivable?

I do recognize that my mother and father did not, by any stretch of the imagination, have an easy go of it. I have a sister with severe autism.. and mental retardation.. shit was bad enough that she had to be tied up when it was time to go to bed at night. I mean.. the stress level was insane, lead to my mother’s heart condition that would eventually kill her..

Anyway.. all of this is somehow in the emotional foundations of whatever is going on in my conscious life right now.. a slow shifting of attitude..

Day or two latter:

I think I’ll post, maybe write something new..