What follows is my reaction to a post by David Kusek entitled Searching for Salvation on the subject of the future of recorded music, and the problems the music industry faces today. He’s running a contest for new business models..   I wrote this in the comment section of his blog, and realized I should probably post it on my blog to.. cause I have this crazy habit of writing comments like this.

I don’t know entirely if I agree that recorded music is dead.. I think what’s dead is the old business models. I also think there’s a lot gong on in the evolution of the kind of technological ecology.. of like.. how people find new music, filters, financing, and whatever.. that needs to happen.. and once it does, the picture will shift a bit more.

I guess I’ve been posting some crazy ass posts while sick, ha? It’s good to post! I encountered this bit of inspiration over at Pluperfecter.. this interview of Steven aka Vaspers the Grate from some 5 years ago.. On the subject of what a blog is.. Steven quoted Doc Searls… a blog post being like an email to the world.. and this thought just sorta inspired me.. should I blog like that? Should I blog as if this were a personal email to the world? Me to you? And you over there as well? 

You know.. I can dig that kinda idea.. like.. I don’t know.. so often there’s all this “how to blog” crap.. smart crap though it can be.. it’s the game of it.. everything from your SEO / SEM / Copywriting, key working, whatever ing..  top 10 lists.. and God knows what else. I mean sure.. it can all be good.. but um.. I don’t know.. I never feel totally comfortable with it.. just as I’ve never felt totally comfortable with best practices.. I’m not trying to refute there utility.. and it’s not that I want to sabotage my own plight.. It’s just that sometimes it feels like just a lot of rubbish to get in the way… You know?

I don’t know.. I feel as if.. on some level.. if I blog there should be some sorta strategery about it.. or some purpose.. some excuse to poor energy into it.. I wonder if I’m adding any value to the world or to anything.. Why am I doing this again? If strategical.. shit, my spell checker didn’t underline that word.. is that a real wold?.. err.. strategical tactical al-tick-al whatever..  el.. Salvador of dolly.. parton.. pardons.. I don’t fucking know.. but just the.. 

Ok.. so there’s an ecosystem that works a certain way.. which causes somethings to rise, somethings to fall.. blah blah blah.. and the el strategic-o tacktic-o is in part born out of a close observation of how all this works and “How you to can be a social media rock star” or at least.. well.. whatever.. and I think all this is important.. and if you have a goal.. and that goal is your success metric.. well.. you ought to adopt all that…

But then I think.. and I think real deeply.. so deeply.. it-id scare your mofo ass.. you know.. like “what’s this life for” deep? Well screw that line of questioning as that make you walk around like a head without a body.. lol, which is to say not walk all that well at all. . No what I’m thinking more is like.. look inward.. Who is you, what is you about? Like really on the super deep levels. Deep enough that you eventually get to darkness and must confess incomplete knowledge on the subject.. and here, if nothing else.. aren’t you supposed to be the supreme grand-poo-bah expert on the subject of who and what you is? And you don’t fucking know? If  you hit rock star big.. good luck to you’re F’n biographers right? 

Yeah, I’d bitch at those vicarious-ism addicts to… which would bring me to this crazy existential question I’ve been pondering lately.. but.. we’ll skip that for now..

I’m thinking about mind mapping the subject.. kinda mandala esk action for yeah.. like what’s all the crap on your mind.. not just consciously.. what are the things you are after.. what’s up with these obsessions of yours.. looking at all the aims you gotz in your life.. map that shit out.. see the cross relationships.. 

So like each thing you do is like a piece of puzzle of a bigger you… a Nietzschean super man quest.. err.. well maybe you’re not that bad ass but.. to one extent or another we are always in a process of waking up to our selves.. and we have.. lets say it is a part of the soul.. a kind of destiny.. that we are always driving towards.. with all our pathology stuff.. conscious or not.. this is what all our impulses are doing.. even if we are tangled in knots and.. our lives a mess.. and whatever else..

So if  you view a blog inside of these terms.. if it, in the biggest of all pictures, is about your becoming.. then it’s success has to do with your becoming’s success.. and that is an utterly different thing from all SEO / SEM, top 10 lists of whatever strategical tactical al-ical of the smart sort… or that is just a part of this larger thing..

A few latter:

Well I gotta work out what I’m going to do with this whole blogging thing.. or it’s on the to do list of stuff to work out.. but I like this idea of the personal email to the world.. and I like the idea of being an anarchist in the writing..  

I’m not even sure I want to talk about it.. or just what I want to say publicly about my situation.. but.. well, I’m in a VERY dark mood.. A fucked up scary dark mood. I feel like.. Jesus, when I think about it.. let my mind stray back through the days of my life.. It seems like there was always just too much fucking darkness, you know? Like here I am, still struggling.. hope dawned in a way, for a brief moment.. like no one’s business.. and now it’s being rudely yanked from my hands as I’m thrown into the abyss.

In a mood like this you think of two possible options.. giving up, or fighting harder. The fighting harder option is like the silver lining in a dark cloud.. It suggest that the fight it’s self might be your salvation.. but.. the mood is so dark that you feel like.. well you can’t really fight in this kind of a mood… cause in this kind of a mood every little setback can seem so monumental…

But what the fuck, what if I give everything I fucking have?

That, of course, is a deep fucking thought. Sure, on the surface it might sound trite.. but.. well maybe it’s just me.. when I say give everything I fucking have.. in means every fucking inch of every muscle.. every everything.. every iota of anything you got… just fucking throw it at the bastard! I mean what the fuck! I mean if you were going to give up anyway? Why not give it a shot at least?

And what exactly is giving up? That is perhaps the interesting thing…  giving up.. well, from that vantage point where we find me today.. giving up is like rolling over… and letting the current take me to sea or some shit like that.. and the thing of it is… is that I just can’t take that, you know what I mean? I mean I have a breaking point.. at which point.. I don’t know..

That’s another problem, which way I break. See there’s a darkness in me.. and if shit gets too bad.. I get pushed the wrong way too much… well it could be bad. If things go the other way.. I don’t know.. maybe things become ok? I don’t know.

But the point is that the giving up option.. is really the refusal to choose an option.. it’s a refusal to accept legitimate suffering.. and it causes a whole other class of suffering. So.. I mean.. what the hell difference does it make anyway?

Hope.. that’s an elusive motherfucker…  I tasted that mother.. I could fucking taste it..

So, here’s the deal, as I see it.. It’s no holds bared going for it. It’s work your ass off going for it.. It’s burn your self out going for it.. It’s give everything going for it.

Of course I can’t do that right now.. I’m sick, still..  still under the weather. I’ve been sick since… well I first felt it coming on lest Friday night and its now like.. late Tuesday night.. I am not a fully functioning motherfucker.. I’m like.. in a position where I better not push it too far I’ll tell you.

Tomorrow morn, no doubt, brother Evan shall show up.. and we’ll strategize this or that and I’ll speak of my woes and have some sense of.. well at least being able to talk about it and.. whatever.

Hmm.. it’s a weird fucking life man…

I was just thinking about before my Mom died.. the kind of fears I had of what life would likely look like after that. What’s sorta weird is that.. I feel stronger today.. I think in large measure cause I at least have the right tools, finally.. and that gives me something.

Now the deal is to try and take that to the max.

Ok, how about I end this post with a little mood music

 Odd how well this song matches my mood

It all started when my friend David Tames decided he was going to go into the Dynamic Media Institute’s grad program.. and started the Media Tech Tonic group.. which was sorta an off shoot of the Boston Media Makers.. Media Tech Tonics some how became a part of the Dynamic Media Institute program.. and via becoming active in the Media Tech Tonic thing, I started to feel sorta a part of the DMI community, to one degree or another.. 

What I loved about the DMI community was many fold.. but one of the biggest things was that it started stirring in me the desire to be apart of a community of artists.. people challenging them selves, seeking in that way.. all the stuff that.. I suppose you’re somewhat forced into by being in such a graduate program…

Of course the other thing was just the sorta thing you’d find DMI folks working on. Basically this it’s what is conventionally known as DIY projects.. things like physical computing.. and DMI was so close to the Studio Of Interrelated Media program.. which was my major in my Mass Art days.. or what you do in DMI is stuff that you could have done in SIM, and even did do in SIM! There’s a difference in thrust of course.. DMI being more design orientated.. being a graduate program..  

I’ve been thinking of going back to college for years, I’m a drop out don’t cha know.. trouble is I’m somewhat of a fully formed artist at this point.. and as such I don’t really see how anything undergraduate-e would really feed me.. or be of much value. 

I don’t know what the chances of being able to get into any sorta graduate program would be for someone who didn’t bother to finish there under grad.. especially if the programs I tend to be interested in are the ones that are hard to get into.. I feel like.. if you see me for who I really am it’s sorta a no brainer.. you see where I’m at and it’s totally there..

The other issue I confront is not really being sure if college is right for me. There are certain ways that knowledge gets organized in relationship to majors and focuses and whatevers.. or at least this was my issue as an under graduate.. which mean “you study this” and that’s what you have to focus on and you don’t get to focus on whatever seems sorta right to you.. and if you are, as I say, a fully developed artist.. you have this powerful sorta inner voice.. sense of direction.. sense of what’s right for you, what you need to get where you want to go.. and you wonder if the college experience might not be more of an obstacle then a helper. 

As a sorta extension to that train of thought..  there is the whole issue that I was never exactly a good student… and I wonder if I would be a good student and.. if I were to enter into some sorta graduate type program.. I’d really want to go all out as far as getting everything out of the program I possibly could.

My Visit to DMI  

I got word of a DMI social hour… Turns out it was sorta for new people coming to the program to sorta get orientated and meet some of the other folks there.. or that seemed to be the main thing.. and folks who had been there giving advice on how to survive the program.. followed by informal meeting folks, which was where I got into conversations about what this class was all about that I was thinking of taking.

Shortly after this, those of us that didn’t have a class to head to, headed out to a bar.. which is sorta where the real stuff starts happening. Over the course of this I had the sorta amazing feeling of actually contributing to the conversations / helping folks in the DMI community think out what they where doing.

I often experience my brain as if there was this big library of stuff.. on all the ranging subjects I’ve studied.. and sometimes it feels like you can throw nearly any subject at me, and I have all this stuff on it.. so I can say “well for this subject, these are the things I would look at,” which range from youtube videos, podcasts, blogs, films, major works of different philosophers… whatever.

So suddenly it’s as if the library in my brain has all this value, that I can then use to contribute to what other people are trying to do, what they are interested in. And it’s just awesome to me to.. check out what someone’s trying to do, what they are struggling with, what they are thinking about.. and sorta jump into all that and help them think stuff out.. I don’t know.. I guess it’s just the idea of being part of a community in that way that I super love… and really really want to be a part of.

On the Subject of the Class

It’s not even, at this point, totally clear that I can become a part of the class.. or how it would work. It’s a graduate class that may not be easily open to undergraduates.. but one way or another, I can probably become a part of it.

The other issue is the expense of the class.. If  you’re taking it for graduate credit it’s $1800.. which is way more then I can really spend.. But, even if it were on the high end of what I’m willing to spend, say for undergraduate credit.. I wonder how much this could be a door into the Mass Art Community and world.. and what of the privileges that go a long with that.. well what are they, and might that be a part of where the real value is?

The truth is I can pretty much teach myself anything, I don’t need the formal structure of classes to learn stuff.. and I don’t necessarily even need an instructor. I already push myself so super hard that I don’t feel a need to have some external force to push me.. I’m just crazy self motivated, self directed, so for me the value is.. in the question of how else this can all help me… much of which I take as being a part of a community of people doing, to one degree or another, similar things.. and that with a community of folks doing that.. I could learn from people instead of just books.. which might be a good deal more efficient… and stuff like that.

I’m, of course, already working on a major project.. could I get feed back on.. not just that part which is specific to this class, but the whole of what I’m trying to do?

The class it’s self is sorta like learning the development process for physical computing type stuff.. or I don’t know exactly the all of it.. but it’s exactly what I need for a range of projects / problems I have in front of me..   

Well.. what I ought to do now, perhaps, is finish up the part 2 of the remixing project posts.. and then move onto a kind of postmortem of it.. and I would do that.. accept that I’m now onto a new remix project.. and that’s kind of where my mind is at at the moment.. so… lets dig into that.

Working on Remix projects means moving out of my safety zone.. I’m fine with that.. accept.. I tend to like to “orbit” my safety zone.. another words.. go out into the difficult stuff as much as I can.. and then once I’ve had enough, go back to the safety zone.. work in such a way that you’re incorporating new stuff.. going on an explorative adventure.. but you’re also integrating it with your already built muscles.. and so far.. I feel like I’m a little further afield from my safety zone then all that…

The problem with jumping too far out is.. suddenly you start to realize how badly you suck.. or that’s the feeling you get.. It disturbs you’re feeling of comfort.. 

As we speak I’m moving into a world of “being serious about electronic music.” Was I ever not serious about electronic music? Well.. serious in a kind of more focused way.. a kind of thinking that runs something like “this is what you must do to be successful out here” and then going after it.. in a focused sorta way. All I can really say is that I have a hell of a lot of work to do before I get to where I want to get to along this front.. enough so that I’m feeling a little unsure of myself.

Some of the basics of what it probably takes.

1. Get to know electronic music: I mean this from a.. “what’s happening” kind a level.. there’s a marketing element to this.. of knowing the market and figuring out how you want to position you’re self in said market.. but it’s also a kind of.. just feeling connected to it all. Electronic music is a world of a zillion generas and sub generes.. enough so that it’s possible that no one really knows this world in and out.
2. What are the production styles of the various generas.. how do you make the stuff? I’m me.. I’ll make my music my own damn way.. but.. having the ability to work inside of generas, or at least relate to various generas, will likely have some kind of pragmatic value.. I figure at least it would have some value to add to my musical vocabulary…

Ok, fair enough.. lets look at some other stuff.

I’m looking into the subject of live performance..

So.. I’m looking at gear like Mashine:

Here’s a video I rather like on it:

This video might give you some sense of what can be done with Native Instrument’s Maschine.. though it doesn’t really go too deep into it.. Native Instruments site does a bit a more.. but it’s still a little limited in what it tells you.. I’ve had the following twitter conversations:

Tweeting with CynicOne..  

cynicone@MattSearles ps: saw you were interested in MASCHINE. you’d get better use outta ableton live + pad kontrol or a mpc1k with jjos2xl IMHO…

cynicone@MattSearles …spent 2 hrs @ guitar center with one and it’s not ready for prime time. wait for v2 of the software at least.

MattSearles@cynicone well I already bought Maschine, it was on back order, so I’m waiting for it at this point 

cynicone@MattSearles aye….the lack of vsti sequencing, groove quantization & sample layering/editing capabilities were the negative 4 me.

MattSearles@cynicone you mean Maschine? Couldn’t you use it as just a controller in a DAW to drive external vsti’s? 

cynicone@MattSearles u could use it as a midi controller but really it’s a sequencer in itself. u have 2 run drums in maschine, then synths in a daw

cynicone@MattSearles its sort of a 1/2 baked software mpc at the moment. i like the idea but it’s not developed fully. 

Lets see if I can’t translate this into English…

Maschine has a built in sequencer.. kind of the old analog style pattern thing.. which is really how I think you want to work with it.. in large measure.. and for God knows what reason.. Cynic One is telling us that this Sequencer can’t be used to control external virtual instruments.. which does sound rather insane.. you can, as near as I can  tell, export MIDI from what you’ve sequencing in Maschine, and bring it into you’re DAW to then use with you’re more robust instrument library.. assuming you have such a library.. but you would think you’d be able to use some kind of inter application midi communication.. or something.. 

Sample layers is important to.. how hard you hit something.. say a piano or a drum.. effects the sound in more ways then just volume.. with sample layers you use different samples for different… well levels of how hard you’re hitting the thing.. basically.

Groove quantizing is.. if you have notes on grid.. as you would with a step sequencer.. things can get a little robotic… which depending on you’re aesthetic inclinations and the project at hand, can be a good or bad thing.  Groove quantization is a means for turning a robot into… well, a groovy robot… err.. gives it a more human-esk feel.

In terms of how this effects my analysis of “if it’s worth it.” 

Prior to the announcement of Maschine at NAMM, I was thinking I wanted to get into “this type” of technology. Everything I do, pretty much, takes place in the computer with software.. so I was figuring I might just get one of these types of controllers… and then when I saw Maschine I was like “oh, yeah, I probably want that.”

I’m very much attracted to the idea of this kind of production… and this falls into a number of categories.

1. I want more of my music production to involve controllers and human performances, even if quantized
2. I want some kinda controller set up for doing sorta “groove box” style production.. including for generative sorts of stuff.
3. I’m interested in playing with step sequencers that are connected to actual controllers. I think the reason I usually don’t like working with step sequencers is that I’m normally using them with mouse input.. which is not terrible exciting, and can often be a bit on the tedious side.
4. Maschine will operate as a controller for Ableton Live.. which at least has some value to me prior to investing in the new Ableton controller.. 

If I could kind of summaries it all.. Maschine is a pretty expensive piece of gear.. if it’s worth the asking price.. that’s probably a matter of how you plan to use it.. and I think Native Instruments making it with these limitations.. really works against it being worth the asking price. Still.. It’s a “we’ll have to use it our selves to really know” kind of thing.

Of course the thing is that I’ve already bought Maschine..  I’m just waiting for it to arrive.. so.. I’m sorta in the position of having to wait and hope for the best.

Tweeting with Veerrgg 

I had a somewhat related conversation with “Vergel E,” whom makes electronic music up in Canada.. and has a blog and podcast on electronic music that can be found here, where we got a little into Kore 2 and speculation on subjects related to Maschine Integration stuff…

MattSearles Wow.. some of the compression in Kore 2 sounds better then you’d expect

vveerrgg@MattSearles #kore2 is actually a pretty sweet DAW alternative. I’ve fallen in love with it as a “simple” environment to create/record in 

MattSearles@vveerrgg yeah I don’t think I’d normally take a compressor from guitar rig.. in a certain process sense. 

vveerrgg@MattSearles thats part of why i like it so much. it reminds me of the old days when I would just plug stuff together and see what happens

MattSearles@vveerrgg makes me wonder if I should work out how to program more of my Instruments/effects into its data base. Maybe program some patches 

vveerrgg@MattSearles that might be taking it to the extreme… but i agree there is alot of value in that database and “scene”interface

MattSearles@vveerrgg yeah.. I’ve heard that some of that might be painful.. 

vveerrgg@MattSearles I experimented with building scene changes in #kore2 it didn’t go over well. I’m still trying to learn an effective solution

MattSearles@vveerrgg Perhaps we must wait for #kore3 ? 

vveerrgg@MattSearles I’m curious to see how #kore might integrate with #MASCHINE . Ideally I would like to see it all combined into a DAW

MattSearles@vveerrgg me to, and wondering how #maschine might integrate into my process, since I usually program sequences more then play them 

vveerrgg@MattSearles if #NI built or integrated a visualization app into #maschine similar to #Resolume I would be very curious to try 

MattSearles@vveerrgg I’m getting super interested in visualization to, enjoyed your post on it ( http://tinyurl.com/blg4fp ) didnt know about #Resolume

vveerrgg@MattSearles I downloaded the demo of #Resolume and enjoyed playing with it. felt like a video version of #ableton based around video clips

vveerrgg@MattSearles made a #Resolume video based on some screen caps & video feedback. was REALLY easy once i had the material http://tr.im/gFqj 

MattSearles@vveerrgg I’m thinking I’m going to have to do that.. was thinking of doing pseudo similar stuff with Ableton/Max/Jitter

Ok, some context on this conversation 

On Resolume, Abilton and Max/Jitter 

Vergel and I share some interest in sound visualization.. and with this VJ-ing. Ableton have announced “MAX for LIVE” which you can use “Jitter” with.. This is a long conversation that I don’t really know too much about.. but basically MAX is a somewhat visual programing environment for all things electronic music.. and Jitter is something you can add to MAX that allows you to process video.. and is perhaps one tool that could be used for audio visualization.

I think the big thing is.. it will turn Ableton into a VJ tool.. and potentially a rather amazing video tool at that… Which along with the new Ableton Controller.. could be quite amazing.

On the subject of Kore..

I pretty much always use Kore as plug in in my DAWs… Kore is a combination of hardware and software.. it can load instruments and effects in it.. and stuff can be routed around, and controlled via its hardware controls.. which is pretty damn cool.. On the software side it comes with a number of effects, plus utilized a number of native instruments effects / instrument library engines.. and provides a way of managing them.. and you get this “super instrument” sorta thing where you have multiple instruments and effects programmed together into a single patch..

What I take to be how Vergel is using Kore 

But then there’s the stuff I find a little more mysterious.. which I guess is where Vergel is having his fun. For starters there’s a way of using it for live performance out of the DAW environment..

As a part of that is a system for live performance.. where you essentially create something like a “live set” where you can move between Kore patches.. where Kore essentially turns off the unused patches.. and you can move between these sets for different parts of a song or set list.. This is one of the areas where Vergel has been running into problems.

Another thing worth mentioning.. which I guess Vergel is also using? Is a built in.. gosh, I’ve never even used it.. what is it? Is it a step sequencer of some sort? It is.. well pretty rudimentary.. and I suppose this is a larger part of what Vergel was getting to with the question of Maschine and Kore integration.. 

There doesn’t seem to be much in the way of an ability to modify the sequence as its playing.. not from the Kore controller anyway… and not only that but you don’t get banks of sequences…. and you can’t sequence modulation.. or I say all this without really knowing what I’m talking about.. but that’s my impression.

What would be kind of amazing is if Native Instruments really thought this out.. to the point that you had something like a step sequencing environment that integrated all these technologies..

It would make sense for them to do this as.. besides making the kinds of studio tools I use, they also have a rather substantial suite of DJ-ing tools.. which Maschine fits into rather nicely.. and you could see how the integration of all this stuff could really be cool… and make business sense for them

A few latter 

To somewhat complicate matters I’m looking at the Jazz Mutant Dexter and Lemur

Here’s a couple of videos:

First the Dexter

Dexter gives  you a multi touch graphic interface.. think iPhone, for controlling you’re DAWs 

The problem with Dexter.. besides being pricey, is that it doesn’t actually work with the DAW that is now my main DAW.. Digital Performer… So I’d ether have to revert back to Cubase or… go to Logic.. the latter of which being pretty expensive ($500).. as a pose to just an upgrade ( probably about $200)… 

And now for the Lemur

Lemur is like Dexter only.. you can make you’re own interfaces.. and I guess would generally use it for controlling like.. Ableton Live, MAX, Reaktor.. VJing stuff.. etc. What follows is one fellows swing at making such an interface.. to go along with.. I believe it’s a MAX patch.. working with Live?

DyNAmic sequencer from Lo-Fi Massahkah on Vimeo.

Very very cool..

So some more about this

The biggest problem with Dexter and Lemur is that its super expensive.. though for a few days past my writing of this.. it’s half off.. which actually makes it something worth considering for my self.. and yet……

You know there’s rumors that Apple will come out with a tablet Mac.. sorta iPhone on steroids.. that would be all touch screened out.. one assumes that such a device would be a much better device for doing what Lemur and Dexter do.. and its not at all unlikely that it could actually be cheaper..

If this were not enough, Microsoft has been working on multi touch technology to.. which it is likely to use as a means of differentiating it’s mobile OS from Google’s OS.. But even outside of all this, I’m sorta assuming that given the economy.. it’s not unlikely that the costs of the Dexter and Lemur will drop..

The list price of a Dexter is in the ball park of a Mac Pro.. at that price.. the potential market place is rather small.. I’m guessing.. It seems to be very much in the DIY MAX planet.. that’s the target audience.. which is often a little on the avant guard side of things.. not a group known for an excess of wealth… if the price were to drop.. and you were to focus on economies of scale.. you’d have a much huger potential market.. and you gotta be thinking with the possibility of Apple and Microsoft coming into that market place that.. well.. you really need to do something.

There are other issues I could drag up but.. but.. lets move back to the more or less original subject of all this stuff for live performance.

So electronic live performance

I’m gathering various tools along these lines.. There’s a really big challenge to working this stuff out.. if I can make my production style live.. The only way I can imagine it being possible is via MAX.. which is a very complex kettle of fish with which to attempt to tango.. 

But we won’t get into all that here.. we’ll end here.. with just saying.. well I don’t know.. that there’s an interesting set of challenges around this stuff.. and I’m sure I’ll be blogging about it more soon 

Wrestling with the darkness of your own soul, or the darkness of the universe, life, whatever… or that monster that goes by the name God.. ….yeah, don’t be fooled by that new testament happy stuff! God still indulges in those bets, like did with that poor Job fellow.. 

Not that I’m as righteous as Job mind you.. 

Err… ok, yeah.. so a dark mood.. err.. not really as dark a mood as all that… but.. a sense that.. the future might… well we don’t really know yet, do we?

In any event.. I went to see Frost/Nixon today.. and I dug it.. I left it with the feeling that.. Nixon’s a guy I’d probably really love.. if I knew him on a personal level. In any event, at one point in my life.. going to the movies was like going to church.. and I wonder if tonight had been such a night.. if that thought that burned in me.. was the answer to prayers, answers to question… I don’t know.. maybe it’s only a momentary thing.. and one wonders.. about this world.. if evil will win, is winning, if you can do things the right way.. etc..  can you trust in God, or in doing the right thing, or anything.. I mean.. what is the right way to live?

Cue music video

You see my fine readers, if you do not have the will to sustain the wish.. it drifts down into that dark labyrinth.. and you don’t get those golden seeds back less you’re feeling up for a little minator tango.. 

Anyway, as near as I can tell.. God want’s me to go hang out in a volcano some place and toast marshmallows…

If my way of speaking is to cryptic.. which it might very well be, I don’t know.. I think perhaps Eminem sorta got at it once upon a time:

I don’t know if what I’m trying to talk about.. really.. is even.. I don’t know if it will make any sense.. or if I can communicate it… so maybe we just gotta chock this one up to.. I don’t know.. a swing at it.

That fire.. you go down into it and you can forge some serious shit. At times its an overwhelming feeling.. like.. can a human being even live that way.. I think Jung spoke of the dangers of said volcano.. but is said marshmallow toasting my vocation, or what?

I just feel a need to let out a cream.. in the cyber space forest.. howl at the moon.. and then give in to the commitments of deeper spirits.. or the subduction of those commitments.. or to those commitments.

This journey of my life.. the preamble to this moment.. you try and read it like the I Ching or something..

But in the theater.. the suggestion to burn.. just burn.. trust in the fire.. like Moses or something.. that this is some pattern built into humanity… that..

Well… meaning comes from context, right? Kinda sorta? So what’s the context of your understanding of self? It’s not the ultimate context, is it? The fire is like.. some vortex beyond space time.. and it has the power to recontextualize.. and so in that way it is like the philosopher’s stone, able to turn lead to gold.. in terms of.. the impact of experience’s relationship to nurture…

Err..  Is an experience good or bad, does it save you or damage you? And what of our damage.. the damage that we carry around with us.. from past moments in our lives that has left us, in one way or another, handy capped? Isn’t this sorta.. how we understand the human today? In so many ways? I’m not in anyway arguing with the truth of it.. but.. once upon a time the human condition was a hell of a lot more difficult then it is today, and how the hell did we ever evolve, or progress, to this point?

I mean think about it.. if damage is like karma.. where the abused becomes the abuser.. and on and on it goes through generations.. till China does what it does to Tibet.. and the Dali Lama tries to put an end to that karmic cycle.. in his reaction to the Chinese…

See, we are all more then what we understand our selves to be.. we are, really, more mystery then known entity, no matter how good we are at autobiographical self hypnosis.

Cluttered around my existence are the effects of the fire in my life.. sitting around like evidence of the existence of God.. little signs of a truth disguised under the mask of myth.. and when they all line up together.. self configuring, they tell a story.. they speak.. and cast a light… into the darkness.. of my own consciousness.. or perhaps unconsciousness..

So, what of these totems? They beacon me onward, send a shiver up my spine.. with a feeling like.. they are telling me something about the future that I can not know by conscious means..

There really are so many strange things afoot in my life.. Things suggesting things.. and the really freaky crazy thing is that often it seems that the people around me see it more then I do!

What I’m trying to talk about, in this strange post.. well I guess I’m growing too tired to finish the post but.. I hope you can kind of dig it.. like don’t just understand this as something particular to my suffering or struggle… see if, within it, you can’t find your own struggles..

And so.. I guess I’ll leave you with that thought.

You have any thoughts to leave me with? 

I’m such a sucky poster, but ok.. must post something before sleep over takes me… so how about something on.. this moment’s mood..

My job, as near as I can tell, involves keeping 3 balls in the air:

1. Art Making Stuff
2. Social Media Stuff
3. Life / Responsibility stuff.

Art Making Stuff

I guess, one way or another, the goal is to make something brilliant…. preferably off the charts brilliant. But.. that’s kind of a long term goal.. because though I have the vision.. I have a lot of development to do, along multiple trajectories, before I’m really in a position to achieve that amazing vision.

For the moment my focus is on the 3D stuff.. Just banging my head against the wall.. doing tutorials, hoping I’ll get to a place of knowing what I’m doing in not too long.. The 3D stuff is really a kind of 6 month or more project, if I was doing it full time, just to get the skills together… and then after that there’s more stuff on top of which this is but a foundation… Never mind actually making art.

A lot of stuff, for me, is like this… lots of steep learning curves.. lots of trudging across the tundra.. lots of not knowing when it’ll feed me.. in terms of work of value coming along.. never mind work of a particular standard. But somehow this seems like the right course of action.. so I’ll be sticking to it for a while.

Social Media Stuff 

Most of the time I don’t take my social media stuff all that seriously. Or.. I do, I just don’t…. there’s a lot more that I know I could be doing.. there’s a lot that I feel I need to do if I am to make a success of it. Success of it, however, is a strange way of phrasing it.. for what exactly is success? 

My notion of success would be to develop a community / group of followers / fan base that’s enough to support my art. We could talk about quality over quantity.. and all of that sorta thing.. so it is an over simplification.. but whatever.. its about the search for a means to make a living from my passions.

Truth is, of course.. that adventure is not the social media adventure I’m on at the moment.. or.. perhaps I’m on it.. but I’m not on it at anything like the sort of aggressive level that is needed to really achieve the end goal. I could go so far as to suggest that I’m laying a foundation.. or planting seeds… or whatever.. but.

So keeping this ball in the air doesn’t actually require all that much.. taking it to the next level takes a lot.. and I’m basically waiting for the right opportunity..  the right opportunity, at least in my mind.. involves getting the art sorta in place.. a little better then it is.. which means getting beyond the deep learning curve stuff and into the producing stuff.. at which point the social media stuff sorta surrounds the art stuff.. The other thing that’s requires is to be able to take time and energy away from other things enough to make it happen.. and it feels like all these thing shave to happen at the same time..

So until that time comes.. it’s all just cruise control basically. 

Life / Responsibility Stuff

Ok.. I need to get better at this stuff!!! This involves all the stuff that goes along with running a house hold.. buying food, cooking, cleaning, laundry, paying bills, and taking care of Dad, and just doing the stuff that needs to be done.. 

I SUCK at this stuff. This is where my coping breaks down! I’m a sucky cook.. there’s very little I know how to cook.. I’m terrible at paying bills on time.. I worry I don’t do a good enough job of taking care of my father.. the house is a terrible mess.. I’m a mess.. There’s legal stuff to be taken care of as far as protecting assets.. fixing wills, etc.. I’m not sure how long I can continue taking care of dad.. I gotta get these ducks in a row…   

How all this stuff works together

Basically… I have a runway.. and I couldn’t tell you exactly how long that runway is.. but when the runway runs out, one of two things needs to happen… assets, in the name of runways, must be liquidated or.. income must happen.. or perhaps some mix of the two.

Art + Social Media stuff = income possibilities. Another words, if I get the art and the social media stuff happening.. I find myself in a position where doors can open.. At the very least, me spending all this time trying to learn high end 3D graphics gives me a marketable skills.. Indeed social media stuff is a marketable skill.. But.. if I can #1 Make something great and #2 Use social media as a means of building a brand around that content.. and all that sorta thing.. 

Well.. based off the feed back I’m getting on my latest musical project in progress.. I believe that if I can do it right.. all the puzzle pieces.. I could create a recognizable brand inside of the social media world..  and if i really do it right I could go so far as reach some level of internet celebrity / have one of those things that go viral in a big way. I really do feel it..

So I guess this is another post of mine.. just trying to work out what I gotta do.. so with that, lets edit this sucker and post it! 

I don’t have writers block, that doesn’t seem to be something I suffer from, but none the less.. It seems to be a challenge to bring blog entries to completion.. 

Latter:

Well I suppose some of my peeps seem to like my more random entries.. so maybe that is what this entry shall be.. I’m over tired as I write anyway…So.. I suppose why not return to the theme of the plot of the life of you’re truly? I mean what the hell, right?

My instinct is always to try and trust the natural processes of the psyche.. and if anything to just try and help facilitate those natural processes.. if you’re having an anxiety freak out.. well maybe that’s what you need to do, you know? That is maybe that’s one small part of a larger process.. I think a lot of times the way we look at our selves.. and our psychological realities.. we compartmentalize stuff.. put things in boxes.. we look at that box and say “this is a bad thing.” Sure.. its a bad thing.. but what is bad about it has more to do with the conceptual box we put it in then the thing its self!

So.. my advice is to try and see the larger order of things… lets not impose our will on our selves so much.. which is not quite to say I’m anti imposing will on thy self.. just that I want the wisdom to do it correctly.

My psychological reality.. subjective experience.. its as if I’m moving through a storm cloud.. and I can’t quite see properly or operate properly.. at least on some levels.

There are levels on which I seem to operate more or less perfectly no matter what. The are areas that are.. special areas.. I wont try to bother explaining why this is.. or how it all works.. cause it would take quite a long time to get through it all.. but these are areas that I’ve really dedicated myself.. sacrificed for..  gone to hell and back with.. and as we say in the cheesy hipster bizz.. these areas are “solid.”

Hmm… you know its as if there’s this huge part of myself that’s like.. damaged goods? Do you ever feel like that? Most people I know feel like that.. Is it what’s fucked up in our society.. the mistakes the generations that brought us up made? I have no idea.. all I can really tell you is that there’s a portion of my being that’s.. well, should never be put in charge of my destiny anyway, right?

When stress, pressure, and what not.. get going.. they can activate these damaged parts in ways that make them behave.. well lets say they make you behave like a none-fully integrated personality. Can you dig that?

So when I say I’m going through a storm.. in part what I’m saying.. the flight path of my life.. if I’m going to make it off that island I was talking about a blog entry or so back..  the part of this that has me worried is that.. in order for the things to work out.. I must depend on parts of me that are not totally 100% well integrated personality parts…. or it looks that way to me.. and that is really the basis of my fear… 

Now as I was saying before, there are parts of me that are “solid.” These solid parts of my being.. I’ve tried to cultivate to super hero status.. in part just to compensate for the other parts.. The dream I had, while cultivating them, was that they would help to carry me through the parts of my life when.. I would need those other parts in order to function..  let me give you an illustration of the theory.

The theory that goes into digression rathole

Say one day, you became a rock star. If you’re a rock star.. a lot of things are going to come easily for you.. that would not come easily for you if you were not a rock star. I mean.. you’re going to get laid.. by the pretty girls.. I mean if you’re into that sorta thing.. you don’t actually have to have a lot of social graces cause everyone wants to be your friend.. it’s ok if you’re no good at doing laundry…  umm… and blah blah blah..

Ok, so you think.. “yeah, ok.. but you know, being a rock star isn’t exactly a reasonable expectation for one to have about there life.” To this I would say “do you mean to say that that business about wishing upon stars is just a lot of hours shit?” Now listen, stop here for a second and contemplate what I’m trying to say to you.

1. If you wish upon a star, it apparently makes no difference where you are… blah blah blah.. you wish it, you dream it.. you put in the dedication, you can do anything.
2. Being a rock star isn’t not a realistic thing to wish on stars?

Do you get what I’m driving at? Is it wrong to dream too big? Is that a mistake? I mean to go and put everything you got into that one dream, and just go for it? I mean.. lets face it.. having a “back up” plan is not exactly how you climb the highest mountains! The highest mountains are climbed with “do or die.” 

Well maybe not, I don’t know.. haven’t actually seen any studies on the subject.. but it sounds reasonable, doesn’t it? 

Ok.. so I don’t mean to suggest that I’m trying to be a rock star and if this doesn’t work out I’m going to go blow my head open.. I mean I’m not exactly shooting for rock star-hood.. .or, I don’t know.. maybe I am.. but the point is more like.. say you cultivate within your self… stuff that’s really aiming that high.. or maybe even higher then that.. 

I mean lets get serious here.. Matt has issues. Matt would not be happy being a rock star unless… he cast a shadow bigger then Beethoven..  another words.. my ultimate sin is probably dreaming to big… Hmm.. I smell a music cue in here.

Ok, that was pretty unnecessary, ha? 

So this big dreaming started at an early early age..  From what my mom told me before she passed away, I more or less came out of the womb this way. So you know, what are you going to do?

A few latter:

I’m too freaking tired to finish this line of thought..  So let me summaries where I was going with all this: 

The summary 

So we all have our strong sides and week sides.. and it makes sense to live in a way where you maximize your strengths and minimize your weaknesses..  There is a question of.. what is critical.. and if the strong sides are strong enough.. can they make your weaknesses less critical?

Sure.. that’s all groovy and all.. but what I wanted to get to was this sense of an transformation going on inside me.. which is a very crazy thing indeed…  Transformations have to do with.. shifts in energy flow.. shifts in psychology.. shift in.. what’s getting cultivated.. and as near as I can tell.. somethings going on in me that just might help me cope.

Any who..  I think I’ll post it at right here… I’m just too tired to finish this sucker up as I’d like.. and given that I probably wont be blogging as much as I’d like coming up.. well.. we should get down to business, right?

I have a few post on the drawing board, of course last weekend was Boston Podcamp 3 and much of the week since has been recovery mode.. as I only had about 5 hours or so sleep as a result.. it was an amazing time.. I should add, but more on that latter. In any event, that’s reason why I haven’t been posting as frequently.

In other news.. stress and anxieties are up.. but I’m dealing..

This weekend I’ll be going to a cookout at my sister’s school in.. well more western-ish Mass then here. Have I spoken much of her? My sister has saver mental retardation and autism.. her and I are both adopted… from different parents. She’s older.. When my my parents adopted her they were not informed of her handy caps.. and um.. well not an easy scene.. anyway.. I’m not sure how long it’s been since I’ve seen her.. my father and I haven’t visited since mom passed away.. so it’s really important that we do.

The week coming up is looking to be.. well another one where I’m likely to slump off on the blog.. have a friend flying in.. one who’s helping me with my promotional efforts.. and we’ll perhaps do a bit of that while she’s here.. and maybe have her help me straighten out my life a bit.. which leads back to the stress and anxiety issues…

The long and the short of the anxiety issues.. well its broader then anxiety.. but basically I haven’t been coping well since my mom passed away..  Most of which has to do with new responsibilities that I wasn’t really prepared for.. I must say it’s an interesting plot. Ever hear the voice of God? Something about a merger between the unconscious and the unfolding of life.. or something.. who knows what it really is.. but the feeling like something is speaking to you from “the other side” so to speak. It seems to speak to me about the unfolding plot of my life. If I were to listen / trust in it.. I’d tell you everything is groovy.. which is a part of why I never quite know how I’m doing.

I can feel it and taste it.. opportunities… the chance to take flight.. for the time being my existence feels a little as if it were taking place on an island that was slowly falling into the sea.. one that if I don’t find my way off.. disaster strikes.. at least with respect to my dependancies..  which makes it quite a transition.. But the way the plot seems to be unfolding.. it looks as if disaster will be diverted..  and really, this feeling of impending doom.. it’s not likely doom at all..  or the sense of doom is just a construct of where my head is at at the moment.. It’s as if we took the whole of reality and magnified a portion of it.. and other parts sorta reseed.. and this image we have.. we took as the actual thing.. which it is.. but, its actuality is other then it’s image..  

None of that should be to diminish the reality of imposing doom.. It is “a psychological reality” which makes it, at least in my book, no less real then material reality.. It speaks to the psychological transformations needed to make it all happen.. and if this transformation doesn’t happen.. well.. then you have disaster.

Anxiety, as near as I can tell, is the voice of those parts of me that.. are dragging there feet.. and the question, the fear, it’s what roll do they play in the unfolding of the whole. Could the derail it all? I wouldn’t put it past them..   

I don’t mean to paint such a bleak painting of things.. but its not a good strategy to avoid these things ether.. so what the hell.. and with that I post. 

I’m trying to work on communicating what I’m up to.. so I thought I’d try and fill in the artist statement section of my website. This is kind of a rough draft I guess, so I’m looking for feed back.

Matt’s Manifesto 

The arts, as I see it, are key to the health of culture and society. Big media influence on the collective consciousness of our times is at the root of what’s wrong with the world today. The solution to this is to develop new models for the business of art, media, and culture. There is a digital revolution, often referred to as “new media” or “social media” which to one extent or another addresses this problem. My podcast, The Asymmetric Biz Cult, talks about this and the deep systemic forces at play… along with how artist and media folks might engage with these forces, and how this could lead us collectively.. as well as the issues of our individual careers, to a new kind of world worth creating.

My arts project is one that tries to utilize this new existential relationship to the markets in order to facilitate a deeper more radical art. In my art and thought I am wrestling with the foundations of modernity and our collective shadow sides, and I try and throw light on where there might be cause for hope.

Central to my work is a exploration of consciousness and the depths of the human soul.. This journey takes us through Jungian psychology, neuroscience, philosophy, the world’s various religious traditions, history, politics, and business: We see everything in a radical new light, for so much of our understanding of all these things fails to appreciate the influence of what is often thought of as the irrational mind, and both our individual and collective unconscious.

Principle to to my art and thought is the idea that we must get beyond our inherited ideas on the nature of reality, to see what reality really is, and then build from there.

It is ultimately a journey towards wholeness and human potential.

So what do you think? Does it work, or not or I don’t what.. any thoughts?