A post from the grips of a not so good mood
I’m not even sure I want to talk about it.. or just what I want to say publicly about my situation.. but.. well, I’m in a VERY dark mood.. A fucked up scary dark mood. I feel like.. Jesus, when I think about it.. let my mind stray back through the days of my life.. It seems like there was always just too much fucking darkness, you know? Like here I am, still struggling.. hope dawned in a way, for a brief moment.. like no one’s business.. and now it’s being rudely yanked from my hands as I’m thrown into the abyss.
In a mood like this you think of two possible options.. giving up, or fighting harder. The fighting harder option is like the silver lining in a dark cloud.. It suggest that the fight it’s self might be your salvation.. but.. the mood is so dark that you feel like.. well you can’t really fight in this kind of a mood… cause in this kind of a mood every little setback can seem so monumental…
But what the fuck, what if I give everything I fucking have?
That, of course, is a deep fucking thought. Sure, on the surface it might sound trite.. but.. well maybe it’s just me.. when I say give everything I fucking have.. in means every fucking inch of every muscle.. every everything.. every iota of anything you got… just fucking throw it at the bastard! I mean what the fuck! I mean if you were going to give up anyway? Why not give it a shot at least?
And what exactly is giving up? That is perhaps the interesting thing… giving up.. well, from that vantage point where we find me today.. giving up is like rolling over… and letting the current take me to sea or some shit like that.. and the thing of it is… is that I just can’t take that, you know what I mean? I mean I have a breaking point.. at which point.. I don’t know..
That’s another problem, which way I break. See there’s a darkness in me.. and if shit gets too bad.. I get pushed the wrong way too much… well it could be bad. If things go the other way.. I don’t know.. maybe things become ok? I don’t know.
But the point is that the giving up option.. is really the refusal to choose an option.. it’s a refusal to accept legitimate suffering.. and it causes a whole other class of suffering. So.. I mean.. what the hell difference does it make anyway?
Hope.. that’s an elusive motherfucker… I tasted that mother.. I could fucking taste it..
So, here’s the deal, as I see it.. It’s no holds bared going for it. It’s work your ass off going for it.. It’s burn your self out going for it.. It’s give everything going for it.
Of course I can’t do that right now.. I’m sick, still.. still under the weather. I’ve been sick since… well I first felt it coming on lest Friday night and its now like.. late Tuesday night.. I am not a fully functioning motherfucker.. I’m like.. in a position where I better not push it too far I’ll tell you.
Tomorrow morn, no doubt, brother Evan shall show up.. and we’ll strategize this or that and I’ll speak of my woes and have some sense of.. well at least being able to talk about it and.. whatever.
Hmm.. it’s a weird fucking life man…
I was just thinking about before my Mom died.. the kind of fears I had of what life would likely look like after that. What’s sorta weird is that.. I feel stronger today.. I think in large measure cause I at least have the right tools, finally.. and that gives me something.
Now the deal is to try and take that to the max.
Ok, how about I end this post with a little mood music
Odd how well this song matches my mood
September 23rd, 2009 at 5:57 pm
Matt:
Life is a fight. Some times we think we are not winning, all the blows we deliver are making no impact on the opponent. Then is the time we need to take round off, just throw some jabs and back pedal, not getting ourselves pinned in the corner. Next round we come out and take it straight to ‘em, everthing we got. Maybe we take the son of bitch by surprise and knock him on his ass.
Just have we got the heart if we don’t?
September 24th, 2009 at 8:46 am
Yeah.. I suppose its just the feeling of that moment.. a kind of over saturation of the senses relative to.. the sense of the dark mood.. over saturation to the point that there’s no room for anything else.. not until the orbit of consciousness sorta moves a little… and maybe, I’m thinking.. that experience of the over saturation is a kind of calling to attention of the being.. a focusing of the mind.. including that which is sorta beyond consciousness.. and maybe that onto itself is a value worth holding.
There is in me this feeling like.. a long chain of unaddressed questions marks in the foundation of my forward marching which… all find a bit of a voice in the saturation..
It’s a very weird time for me.. so many patterns in my life changing abruptly, with no real settled sense to anything.. and this strange way that a pattern can sorta define you.. if you live in one pattern.. you’re sorta a smarter person then in another pattern.. in that in the one instance your mind freer to address the whatever, or there’s more energy for that.. so in the flux of pattern shifting it’s hard to assess where one is at and just what sort of tasks one is actually up for..
I have a lot of in front of me to try to rise to.. it’s quiet epic.. lol.. and um.. to rise to it I need to find all kinds of resources within that I do not yet know exist within me, accept by way of a strange theoretical temperament.. and it does seem like maybe the only way to access those resources is via the hard hits of the dark over saturation stuff..
You could see the seed of that thought in this post.. err, i should go write the next one!