I don’t have writers block, that doesn’t seem to be something I suffer from, but none the less.. It seems to be a challenge to bring blog entries to completion.. 

Latter:

Well I suppose some of my peeps seem to like my more random entries.. so maybe that is what this entry shall be.. I’m over tired as I write anyway…So.. I suppose why not return to the theme of the plot of the life of you’re truly? I mean what the hell, right?

My instinct is always to try and trust the natural processes of the psyche.. and if anything to just try and help facilitate those natural processes.. if you’re having an anxiety freak out.. well maybe that’s what you need to do, you know? That is maybe that’s one small part of a larger process.. I think a lot of times the way we look at our selves.. and our psychological realities.. we compartmentalize stuff.. put things in boxes.. we look at that box and say “this is a bad thing.” Sure.. its a bad thing.. but what is bad about it has more to do with the conceptual box we put it in then the thing its self!

So.. my advice is to try and see the larger order of things… lets not impose our will on our selves so much.. which is not quite to say I’m anti imposing will on thy self.. just that I want the wisdom to do it correctly.

My psychological reality.. subjective experience.. its as if I’m moving through a storm cloud.. and I can’t quite see properly or operate properly.. at least on some levels.

There are levels on which I seem to operate more or less perfectly no matter what. The are areas that are.. special areas.. I wont try to bother explaining why this is.. or how it all works.. cause it would take quite a long time to get through it all.. but these are areas that I’ve really dedicated myself.. sacrificed for..  gone to hell and back with.. and as we say in the cheesy hipster bizz.. these areas are “solid.”

Hmm… you know its as if there’s this huge part of myself that’s like.. damaged goods? Do you ever feel like that? Most people I know feel like that.. Is it what’s fucked up in our society.. the mistakes the generations that brought us up made? I have no idea.. all I can really tell you is that there’s a portion of my being that’s.. well, should never be put in charge of my destiny anyway, right?

When stress, pressure, and what not.. get going.. they can activate these damaged parts in ways that make them behave.. well lets say they make you behave like a none-fully integrated personality. Can you dig that?

So when I say I’m going through a storm.. in part what I’m saying.. the flight path of my life.. if I’m going to make it off that island I was talking about a blog entry or so back..  the part of this that has me worried is that.. in order for the things to work out.. I must depend on parts of me that are not totally 100% well integrated personality parts…. or it looks that way to me.. and that is really the basis of my fear… 

Now as I was saying before, there are parts of me that are “solid.” These solid parts of my being.. I’ve tried to cultivate to super hero status.. in part just to compensate for the other parts.. The dream I had, while cultivating them, was that they would help to carry me through the parts of my life when.. I would need those other parts in order to function..  let me give you an illustration of the theory.

The theory that goes into digression rathole

Say one day, you became a rock star. If you’re a rock star.. a lot of things are going to come easily for you.. that would not come easily for you if you were not a rock star. I mean.. you’re going to get laid.. by the pretty girls.. I mean if you’re into that sorta thing.. you don’t actually have to have a lot of social graces cause everyone wants to be your friend.. it’s ok if you’re no good at doing laundry…  umm… and blah blah blah..

Ok, so you think.. “yeah, ok.. but you know, being a rock star isn’t exactly a reasonable expectation for one to have about there life.” To this I would say “do you mean to say that that business about wishing upon stars is just a lot of hours shit?” Now listen, stop here for a second and contemplate what I’m trying to say to you.

1. If you wish upon a star, it apparently makes no difference where you are… blah blah blah.. you wish it, you dream it.. you put in the dedication, you can do anything.
2. Being a rock star isn’t not a realistic thing to wish on stars?

Do you get what I’m driving at? Is it wrong to dream too big? Is that a mistake? I mean to go and put everything you got into that one dream, and just go for it? I mean.. lets face it.. having a “back up” plan is not exactly how you climb the highest mountains! The highest mountains are climbed with “do or die.” 

Well maybe not, I don’t know.. haven’t actually seen any studies on the subject.. but it sounds reasonable, doesn’t it? 

Ok.. so I don’t mean to suggest that I’m trying to be a rock star and if this doesn’t work out I’m going to go blow my head open.. I mean I’m not exactly shooting for rock star-hood.. .or, I don’t know.. maybe I am.. but the point is more like.. say you cultivate within your self… stuff that’s really aiming that high.. or maybe even higher then that.. 

I mean lets get serious here.. Matt has issues. Matt would not be happy being a rock star unless… he cast a shadow bigger then Beethoven..  another words.. my ultimate sin is probably dreaming to big… Hmm.. I smell a music cue in here.

Ok, that was pretty unnecessary, ha? 

So this big dreaming started at an early early age..  From what my mom told me before she passed away, I more or less came out of the womb this way. So you know, what are you going to do?

A few latter:

I’m too freaking tired to finish this line of thought..  So let me summaries where I was going with all this: 

The summary 

So we all have our strong sides and week sides.. and it makes sense to live in a way where you maximize your strengths and minimize your weaknesses..  There is a question of.. what is critical.. and if the strong sides are strong enough.. can they make your weaknesses less critical?

Sure.. that’s all groovy and all.. but what I wanted to get to was this sense of an transformation going on inside me.. which is a very crazy thing indeed…  Transformations have to do with.. shifts in energy flow.. shifts in psychology.. shift in.. what’s getting cultivated.. and as near as I can tell.. somethings going on in me that just might help me cope.

Any who..  I think I’ll post it at right here… I’m just too tired to finish this sucker up as I’d like.. and given that I probably wont be blogging as much as I’d like coming up.. well.. we should get down to business, right?

 

This entry was posted on Monday, July 28th, 2008 at 9:37 am and is filed under Career, life, psychology. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.