I’ve been having some trouble putting spaces between paragraphs on this blog, don’t know why that is.. so I apologize ahead of time if that renders this a little hard to readSo its 3 AM, I just got from the hospital.   It was the first time I ever saw a dead body.  It was spooky, I felt afraid to touch her.  Her skin was so white, she looked so lifeless..  I didn’t know what to do.  Do I try and say goodbye?  Is this to be my last memory of what she looks like, this image forever seared into my memory?   Life and death.. this is the way of the world.  This is an experience we all go through.. I am not alone.  You know I wonder how this all comes out..  I mean.. once the denial goes away, and you’ve kind of gone through the shock of it all, and you kinda go back to life as it was before..  only now its somehow different.  I wonder what that’s going to be like. What scares me the most is how do I manage, how do I carry on, how do I keep going?  I don’t mean this in terms of the psychic shock of loosing my mom..  I just mean all the stuff that needs to be done now.  Like my dad, how do I take care of him?  He has dementia, can barely remember stuff as it is.. he is not able to take care of him self.  What about the estate and all that?  What about this house?  What about how dependent I’ve been on my parents and how I need to now be independent, make that transition..  What am I going to do about money… where I was dependent on my mom for that.. how do I work all this out?  How do I transition into the life I’ll need to live just to survive?Today, earlier today, was the first time I had had piece about all this.. about the sense that I could do it when it came…  But I didn’t expect it to come like this..  so soon. I want to thank the people out in social media land who’s warmth has helped me feel a little less alone in what I have have to deal with and just generally.  It’s little things really.. but just those small gestures of compassion, I can’t tell you how much it means to me. This goes to another problem.  Right now I’m too in shock to deal with this, I’ve only been aware of my mom’s passing for a couple of hours…  But you know she’s been sick for a long time and it was a pretty steady decline.  I almost lost her the wed before Thanksgiving.  So I was trying to prepare myself for this…  And one of the biggest things is this sense of being alone in the world..  feeling alone in the world.. without having my mom there to lean on. So.. I guess this goes out to you reading this..  My feeling is that the social media community…  that’s probably where I’m going to be looking for a sense of family..  So to you my dear reader.. at this moment.. I don’t really have all that much other then you. I mean..  I’ve been living this kind of isolated life for a while..  without having enough social connections.. not feeling connected to the world enough..  But the social media community… You guys have helped me feel welcomed and a part of you.  You’ve given me hope..  For you I dream..  I mean its for you that I blog and podcast..  I mean I have some very big dreams for what we could do with this social media stuff.. how we might make the dreams of our hearts manifest..  That’s what I’m out here for..  and I hope I can help you on your journey..  I don’t think I can really express how much I love you, love this community..  love what we are doing.. love that I’m able to be alive at this moment and participating in what I believe to be the greatest revolution that ever happened.  I mean you guys.. you’re what makes me thankful.. I say this…  almost sounds like I’m speaking to an abstract you.  But there’s so many of you out there.. don’t know if you’re actually reading this post..  but so many of you whom.. even if in just small ways.. have touched my life.. and I want to share my gratitude with you for all that.I suppose I’ve said whatever’s on my mind…  and maybe I can leave it at that for now. 

This entry was posted on Sunday, December 9th, 2007 at 8:44 am and is filed under Mom and Stuff. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.