I’ve been having some trouble putting spaces between paragraphs on this blog, don’t know why that is.. so I apologize ahead of time if that renders this a little hard to readSo its 3 AM, I just got from the hospital.   It was the first time I ever saw a dead body.  It was spooky, I felt afraid to touch her.  Her skin was so white, she looked so lifeless..  I didn’t know what to do.  Do I try and say goodbye?  Is this to be my last memory of what she looks like, this image forever seared into my memory?   Life and death.. this is the way of the world.  This is an experience we all go through.. I am not alone.  You know I wonder how this all comes out..  I mean.. once the denial goes away, and you’ve kind of gone through the shock of it all, and you kinda go back to life as it was before..  only now its somehow different.  I wonder what that’s going to be like. What scares me the most is how do I manage, how do I carry on, how do I keep going?  I don’t mean this in terms of the psychic shock of loosing my mom..  I just mean all the stuff that needs to be done now.  Like my dad, how do I take care of him?  He has dementia, can barely remember stuff as it is.. he is not able to take care of him self.  What about the estate and all that?  What about this house?  What about how dependent I’ve been on my parents and how I need to now be independent, make that transition..  What am I going to do about money… where I was dependent on my mom for that.. how do I work all this out?  How do I transition into the life I’ll need to live just to survive?Today, earlier today, was the first time I had had piece about all this.. about the sense that I could do it when it came…  But I didn’t expect it to come like this..  so soon. I want to thank the people out in social media land who’s warmth has helped me feel a little less alone in what I have have to deal with and just generally.  It’s little things really.. but just those small gestures of compassion, I can’t tell you how much it means to me. This goes to another problem.  Right now I’m too in shock to deal with this, I’ve only been aware of my mom’s passing for a couple of hours…  But you know she’s been sick for a long time and it was a pretty steady decline.  I almost lost her the wed before Thanksgiving.  So I was trying to prepare myself for this…  And one of the biggest things is this sense of being alone in the world..  feeling alone in the world.. without having my mom there to lean on. So.. I guess this goes out to you reading this..  My feeling is that the social media community…  that’s probably where I’m going to be looking for a sense of family..  So to you my dear reader.. at this moment.. I don’t really have all that much other then you. I mean..  I’ve been living this kind of isolated life for a while..  without having enough social connections.. not feeling connected to the world enough..  But the social media community… You guys have helped me feel welcomed and a part of you.  You’ve given me hope..  For you I dream..  I mean its for you that I blog and podcast..  I mean I have some very big dreams for what we could do with this social media stuff.. how we might make the dreams of our hearts manifest..  That’s what I’m out here for..  and I hope I can help you on your journey..  I don’t think I can really express how much I love you, love this community..  love what we are doing.. love that I’m able to be alive at this moment and participating in what I believe to be the greatest revolution that ever happened.  I mean you guys.. you’re what makes me thankful.. I say this…  almost sounds like I’m speaking to an abstract you.  But there’s so many of you out there.. don’t know if you’re actually reading this post..  but so many of you whom.. even if in just small ways.. have touched my life.. and I want to share my gratitude with you for all that.I suppose I’ve said whatever’s on my mind…  and maybe I can leave it at that for now. 

 In this episode I play a lot of the music I did for Zar Matt A Thustra’s Deep Space Adventures, as a port of the National Solo Album Month challenge. I’m giving Zar Matt A Thustra’s Deep Space Adventures away for free, and making podsafe. You can find links to this music at mattsearles.com/music  In part, this episode is a moment in time: A moment in confronting the NaSoAlMo challenge and thinking about the future of my music in light of the challenge. Or this challenge pushed into exploring creative production processes that open up new possibilities for my work.. We hear some of the fruits of that experimentation in the episode. The first track we listen to is called Vasperian Blogocombat, an idea from Vaspers the Grate. Vaspers is someone I met via twitter.. and has been very encouraging of me and my work… This track was inspired by him as well as my experiences with social media. Here’s a video clip of Vaspers the Grate talking about being Vaspers the Grate. I think of him as a kind of insane genius. I think his stuff is brilliant.. So Dig it:  

 And while you are at it, check out the Vaspers the Grate Blog. He is pretty awesome after all. The next track in this episode includes a conversation with Mark and his now ex girl friend.. which seemed to work great with the music I was making.. I call this track Herstory as Mark tells a somewhat feminist type version of history.. that is a lot of fun.. Feminist history with a kind of Dio esk metal operatic aesthetic.. How can you beat that? From here the episodes veers off into the subject of my parents declining health. My mom would be emitted to the hospital on the night before Thanksgiving (just after this recording took place) Apparently a conflict in her mediations, internal bleeding, and what have you.. brought her pretty close to death. It would be a little over a week before she would come home.. she’s home now as of this writing, but she’s still terribly fragile.. barely able to lean up in bed on her own strength. It was a very difficult Thanksgiving, the next podcast episode ought to cover this a little more. The final track is.. not really titled yet.. I have a working tittle of something like ‘Electronic Ambient Experiment Adventure.’

 

 MS Episode 10: Plots Thicken & ZarMattAThustra's Deep Space Adventures: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download